Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
