I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
