I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
