if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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