Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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