Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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