i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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