im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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