Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It's just like the Real World with babies
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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