3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize