She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
