i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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