I am puke
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
