Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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