cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
