He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Randomize
