So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
