It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
