Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
