At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
