my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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