i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Randomize
