no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
