your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
