Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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