Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
