Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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