It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
