i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
