Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
