last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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