just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
