i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
