she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
stop calling my apartment porn island.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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