i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
