you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
