it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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