i can't believe i had my finger in that
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
