I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
