His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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