I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Randomize
