Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Don't EVER smell your tampon
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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