i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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