i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
