Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
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Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
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Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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