I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
