i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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