Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Randomize
