I wish I could teleport
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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