Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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