My room smells like vodka and shame
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
