we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
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I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
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I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
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