if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
