Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
