Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
