I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
